I wanna talk about a personal subject today and one that not many people speak about because of fear of judgement etc. Today, I’m saying fuck it because why shouldn’t we speak about things that affect us and our body?
Anyway, I want to talk about sex. Sex is such a taboo subject still. Like you can joke about it and things but no one ever really has a conversation about it due to fear of being ridiculed.
I first started a sexual relationship when I was 15. By this point I was in a fairly long term relationship with my first boyfriend and had been on antidepressants for 2 years. Antidepressants play a big role in this as a number of them have the side affect of loss of libido, which essentially means you lose your sex drive. I started antidepressants so young that I don’t actually know if they affect me like that or not but now being older, I definitely think that there is a correlation there. I never got the feelings that a number of my friends had about wanting to be intimate with my boyfriend and feel pleasure like that. If I’m honest, I do think this is down to my medication and so do the various doctors I have spoke to.
My boyfriend definitely wasn’t best pleased with our sexual relationship purely because we hardly ever became more intimate with each other. I dreaded every single time that we would and I would just wish for things to be over. It was so difficult for me to even feel in the mood and my heart does go out to my first boyfriend because it must have been a shit situation to be in. He was older and had been with people before so he was used to different things. He really had to adapt and put everything aside for me and I’ll forever be grateful for him to have done that.
Things haven’t changed that much since I was 15. I still really struggle to become intimate with people and I now realise it is a number of issues. I don’t feel comfortable unclothed in front of them because I am so insecure of my body and feel so vulnerable being in that position. Don’t get me wrong, I push myself a hell of a lot now because I understand it can be a big part of a relationship for some people. The person I’m seeing at the minute, he’s a very sexual person and enjoys it because it helps him to feel closer to me. I completely understand that but the loss of libido still really affects me and to an extent, our relationship. It has been a cause for a number of our arguments because I just can’t push myself to feel those things that everyone else does. I don’t know, it’s a really fucked up situation to be in.
Me not having a high sex drive at the minute, makes me feel like I’m a failure of a women a lot of the time. I’m constantly second guessing myself and believing that the person I’m seeing will leave because of it etc. It’s a fucking horrible situation to be in because it starts a lot of arguments that are stemmed from my insecurities of them leaving etc. It’s been like this with all of the people that I have been sexual involved with and at times I really believe that there is no way out..
At this moment in time, I’m fed up of hiding. I’m fed up of hiding myself away and not getting some help because I’m embarrassed or scared. I should be allowed to feel pleasure and not feel like a burden on anyone. I went to see a doctor about this and they said it could be a number of factors, as well as including my antidepressants, my contraceptive implant may also be a factor. The doctor changed over my antidepressants for a number of reasons and I’m really starting to feel an effect. As well as my mood lifting, I’m also getting the same feelings and urges as other people do regarding sex. My implant I’m going to leave for the time being as it’s due out soon anyway but hopefully that being out will increase my libido and make me feel more confident in myself. Only time will tell so who knows.
What I do want to say is if you feel like this, don’t be scared. It is a lot more common than people realise and the doctors are a safe place to talk about things that are worrying you etc. Just please reach out as it can really help.
Lobe, Els xx