To my future husband,
Right now I’m sat on my mum’s sofa with a box of chocolate cornflake cakes beside me and thinking about my future. I always had a plan about my life, I was going to find the person I would marry, we would have a big family and have a really happy life together. I would ideally like this to happen by the time I’m 25 but as long as I have children before I’m 30 I will be happy. I would have the career I wanted and I wouldn’t be crippled by this numb sadness all the time. I will be really and truly happy with everything.
I hope you understand that when I go silent for a while, it’s because I’m being dragged under by depression again. I hope you understand that sometimes I get sad for no reason and I just need you to be there. I will admit that I’m confusing because sometimes I need someone there and sometimes I need my space but I hope you know, I will always need you. Even if we’re in different rooms, doing our own things, I will always need you and will need you to make me feel like I’m not alone. I have a habit of hiding away so I hope you understand that sometimes you need to drag me out of that cocoon and take me to do something fun.
Hopefully, you’ll understand that I’m so close to my mum and I turn to her for just about everything. Sometimes a girl just needs a cuddle from her mum. This means my mum will know quite a lot about our relationship, but not everything. My mum will support us 100% and will always try to help us in anyway possible. She’ll always be on the end of the phone for you too even if you need to rant about me or get advice on how to handle me; she’ll be there. With my mum, there comes Steve. Steve will take the piss out of you and will joke around but will always be that silent support you need. He doesn’t judge and has great fashion sense so get used to him always suggesting new clothes to you.
I love the beach. I would live by the sea in a heartbeat. It’s somewhere where I can just go and forget about everything. I will sit there for hours just listening to the waves crashing around me, I find it peaceful. The beach is my happy place and I will never turn down a trip to the coast and a chance to go on the rides there.
I like a cup of tea in the mornings and a hot chocolate at bedtime. I like my tea strong with two and a half sugars and a dash of milk. I also like a teaspoon of sugar in my hot chocolate at bedtime. I really struggle with sleeping sometimes and I’ve been diagnosed with insomnia so a sleep routine is key and that involves a cup of hot chocolate at bedtime.
I am obsessed with dogs. I would have a million if I could. They’re silent companions that will never abandon you. They understand when you just need someone beside you and that’s so special. I’ve had dogs since I was little and I would honestly be lost without them.
I am scarred and flawed. I let things get to me too much, I am extremely sensitive and will constantly be second guessing. I will always say things like ‘don’t leave me’ and ‘are you sure you want to be with me?’. Please just reassure me. I’ve had people say they wouldn’t leave and now they’re nowhere to be seen. I will always try and prove myself and make everyone like me, I know it’s not possible but I will never stop trying. I will never think I’m good enough for you, I’ll pick on things that I shouldn’t and I will get upset about things that there’s no need to be upset for. I’m sorry and I will keep telling you that, I am trying to get better at these things but it’s hard. Just know that I’m always trying even if you don’t recognise it. I am scarred, I’m scarred from the nights where I just wanted to feel pain so I hurt myself. I’m scarred from the words that people have said to me, they’re engraved into my skin and they’re not something I can easily forget. Please just bear with me, I will get there but I will need your love and support the entire time.
There will be days that I’m sat on the bathroom floor crying because I don’t like myself or what I see. Body confidence is something that I’ve always struggled with and I’m working on it. Just give me a hug and tell me that you love me no matter what. When you see me restricting my food again please pull me up on it. Make sure I eat at least two meals a day and have a healthy diet. Sometimes I’ll eat nothing for days or I’ll eat nothing but shit. Recognise this and encourage me to eat healthy balanced meals again. I will get there, just sometimes the food demons get to me. I just need to know that I’m loved no matter what.
The biggest thing I hope you will never forget is that I love you. I love you more than I love life itself. I know I’m a massive pain to be with and not the nicest person to be around when my demons get the better of me but please believe me that I will get there. I will get myself better again and I will spend every single second of my day trying to make it all up to you. It may take time, but I will always try and make things better and make up for the times I wasn’t what you needed or deserved. I will love every single bit of you and I will make sure that you know everyday how lucky I am to have you and how much I love you.
I love you, forever and always yours.
To my future husband,