Mental Health

Taking time off

I don’t know about you guys, but when my mental health gets too much sometimes I need to burrow away. This usually comes in the form of me isolating myself and blowing off every commitment I have, like work. Work is actually what I wanted to talk about in this blog post.

A couple of days ago I was having a really bad night. I thought I would try and sleep without one of my sleeping tablets (big mistake) which consequently led me to being up all night. Now, that wasn’t the problem. For some reason my anxiety was out of control that night. I had about 3 panic attacks in the space of 6 hours. I’m usually someone that has quite good hold of their anxiety and I can manage it well but that night I was an absolute train wreck. It was 3am and all I needed to do was talk to my boyfriend but he was at home fast asleep. My anxiety and panic attacks were that bad that I just wanted to hurt myself which hasn’t happened in a very long while. Anyway, I was due at work that morning and I just couldn’t face it. I had no sleep whatsoever and felt I couldn’t care for the patients to the best of my ability with the night I had just had. Also, driving whilst having a panic attack is something I would not recommend.
I rang up my work and told them I had food poisoning. How pathetic is that, my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t even tell my work that I wouldn’t be in because I’m exhausted from having panic attacks all night and it wouldn’t be safe for me to drive or be at work. I’m actually ashamed at myself for saying I had food poisoning and I feel so guilty about it. They deserved to know the real reason but even today, I’m worried that they won’t understand and just laugh in my face.

I saw a post on Facebook the other day that said something along the lines of ‘we live in a generation where we sacrifice our mental health for our jobs’ and it’s suddenly hit me how true that it. After I called in sick, I felt so guilty. I felt like I had let them and myself/my family down. I was scared to tell my family that I wasn’t going to work because I had a really bad night and wasn’t in a good place mentally. Don’t get me wrong, my family are the most supportive people ever but I always have the fear that I’m letting them down which is why I was scared to tell them. I would rather go to work and work myself into the ground (which has happened) then call in sick because of my mental health. The amount of times I’ve been signed off because of this reason and I’ve let things get too far is ridiculous. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know my reason, I’m scared of letting everyone down and them being annoyed at me. It’s one of the more negative sides of being a people pleaser.
Thank god I had my boyfriend who reassured me that no one will be annoyed with me and that my health comes first as I’ve only just been signed back on at work. I don’t know what I’d do without him at the minute.

If there was anything to take away from this post today is that it’s ok to have a bad day and call in sick for you to look after yourself. Don’t burn yourself out over work/school because, as horrible as it sounds, work can easily replace you. If your workplace does get annoyed/funny about it then it just means you’re working in the wrong place and there’s somewhere better suited for you out there.

Thank you all for sticking about in my absence. It really means a lot

Love, Els xxxx

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