I have dealt with the hell hole of depression and anxiety since I was around 12 years old. It’s completely fucked up that I knew that I would rather be dead then trying to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life (thank god that never happened). I struggle the most with knowing I was so shut off from my feelings and other people that I missed all the normal teenage stuff my friends did e.g. falling in love, going out etc. During these times I was holed up in my bed not moving and not talking to anyone whilst my friends were getting their first boyfriends. I didn’t experience these emotions and because of that it definitely made me feel more alone.
I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember if I’m honest. I remember going to various therapy and psychiatrist appointments and lying about it so I wouldn’t upset my family or get sectioned. Looking back, and looking now, I have always been more passively suicidal then actively. There’s a fine line between the both of them and not a lot of people understand the difference.
Active suicidal tendencies are when you’ve planned out how to end your life and make preparations. I have been in this place a couple of times and it’s horrendous. Passive suicidal tendencies are when you know you don’t want to be alive anymore but don’t make any effort to go through with them. You wake up everyday wishing you hadn’t but don’t make plans to end your life. It’s also not being bothered if someone ran you over or you lost control of your car and ended up being wrapped around a tree. It’s hard to get your head around.
These passive suicidal thoughts come in waves. They’re always there but some days they’re a lot louder then the day before. At the moment it’s finding the balance in being able to ignore these thoughts, when they become active thoughts that’s when I know I’ll be in trouble. Just because you have these passive thoughts doesn’t mean you’re any less in need then someone with active thoughts, seek out the help you need and deserve. One day, I will beat these thoughts and I cannot wait for the day to turn up and I can wake up knowing that I don’t wish that I hadn’t woken up.
https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/. There is a great article written about the difference between these thoughts and it was so helpful for me to read this and actually realise what I was thinking.
Suicide is still hugely stigmatised and people still shy away from the topic. With everything that’s happened recently I believe it to be so important that we speak up about both types of suicidal thoughts. There is help available if you need it and there’s always someone to talk to, including me. Some people run from the thought of suicide and refuse to talk about it and some dance around the subject making it even harder to talk about but there are people there to talk.
Here are a number of helplines if you feel like you are in need.
United Kingdom – 111
Samaritans – 116 123
Child line (for children aged and young people aged under 19) – 0800 1111
There are many more helplines out there available for people to use. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone as it might save yours or someone else’s life. I’m sorry to talk about this topic as well but it’s something that I needed to get off my chest and have needed for a while for my own sanity.